Your introduction was extremely effective. That said, what you need to do is to add more about how other people perceive how others perceive it and to relate it to a subculture you are in. The transitions are good, and the paragraphs seem to be cohesive, except for the last one which needs to be fleshed out into multiple paragraphs. Last but not least, the grammatical quality needs to go up. You should proofread and use a grammar checker such as Grammarly to optimize your grammar, as some words are misspelled. For example, you sometimes use the word “think” instead of “thing” and there are various places where you need commas throughout the essay.

-Zachary Rosman